Special

I love driving at night
Well, sitting in the passenger seat while you drive.
When its quiet I look out.
The silence is never uncomfortable.

There's so much you don't see if you're not out driving down country lanes at 3am, 4am, 5am.
The moon is so beautiful when you get away from the town.
The early sunrise makes it glow even brighter, like its clinging on, fighting to stay and be seen.
Those who don't see this are missing out. It's breathtaking.
Even better to share with someone special.

You know someones special when all the time you share is filled with smiles, laughter and love.
Never a word in anger or a negative way.

Heading back to town, getting closer to home, reality crashes down around me.
I feel like that moon.
Its only a few hours until I should be up.
But I don't want to lie down.
I'm in bed alone.

I know the sun will be dazzling my eyes soon.
I'll think back to us driving. It will make me smile a little.

I stretch and hide my face in the pillow. I don't recall falling asleep.
I don't want to turn or look.
I want to pretend my dreams were real and you're mine a little longer.

I want to be yours, not a secret or something you're ashamed of.
We both know thats not true, but its how I feel.
We want the same things.
We make each other so happy don't we?

So I wake alone again.
I scrunch my eyes and check its real.
It is.
For now.
I hope its not this this for much longer.

Scribbles and things

I've been doing lots of writing lately.
I forgot how much I enjoy it.
How therapeutic it is to get things out and off your chest.


It's not just physical pain we have to live with.


So lots of my writings, old and new are going up. I think I write better when I am emotional. I may ramble and waffle and not make sense, but it helps me. Those in my thoughts when I am writing may never see my posts, but I'm not doing it for someone else and I am not doing it because I want attention or sympathy.

I do it because it helps me.
Rather selfish...

Writings

Good things come to those who wait...

Or those who are willing to get up and do something about it.

Good things happen to good people.

People who deserve it.

Good people don't want to hurt others. 

They only want to make others happy.

The happiest they can be.

Unconditionally.

I am a good person, a good person who is torn.

I deserve happiness too.

I can't wait forever.

Try before you quit

When life goes well, people get to know who you are

When things go shit, you get to know who your friends are

So many people are great to be around. Especially when everything is going smoothly

Take note of those who stick around when times are hard

The true friends are those who sacrifice their time to help make your life a little better

They never expect anything in return

Listen before you talk

Think before you react

Wait before you criticize

Forgive before you pray

Try before you quit

Room going...

It's difficult for me. Difficult in many ways, but mostly for me to make room in my life for people, never mind those who don't make room for me.

I'm tired of keeping this room open for you, just in case you decide to come and visit. You never visit these days.

I've kept this room open for others before too, you'd think I'd learn. Apparently not. I never will.

The only time I see you lately is when I push and gnaw and tap on your door obnoxiously.
Even then, you don't always answer.

I'm tired of knocking and waiting for you to answer.

Its about time I opened up this room to someone who might actually use it... someone who might actually consider me and my feelings and my friendship, someone who will see me and like me and appreciate me and encourage me.

The real me that is.

I just want someone who acts like a real friend. Who treasures my time and love and care.

This room should have no space for you anymore. I'm not going to hold it for you forever, its time to let someone else make use of it.

You know what, even if someone does, I'll always make room for you if you ever decide to visit...

Take the good with the bad.

A little catch up post is in order. Its been a while, mostly I haven't had energy to write. I find myself making excuses for myself 'I need to work' or 'Im just busy'
I wish people would get it when I feel like 'I just can't today'

Usually on a Tuesday I am down at karaoke singing my heart out, but after today I am too tired.
I got out of bed at 12.30 today. Not that bad really, all in. I had over ten hours sleep.
Yesterday I did the same and had a 3 hour nap in the early evening too.

Today Im rather pleased with myself. I moved and tidied my room and cleaned all the floors downstairs as well as the bathroom. I made dinner for myself and even have a bit of energy for writing. I've nothing to report from the Doctors visit apart from nothing showed on the xray. Painkillers are doing their job, but the exhaustion is catching up. Not used my walking stick for over a week now. So thats prettygood really. Im chuffed, had a few great afternoons out with friends... End of the month so always a busy time.

I saw a few posts online today that made me smile and inspired me to blog. Here they are;

They made me smile.

That'll do for tonight. :) 

Living each day is like a trip to a theme park

WOW how exciting right? Every day like going on a trip to a theme park... Can't be bad can it?!

This is a little post I am writing to try and explain daily life for me. After feeling pretty hurt at being let down today, I don't think some people realise how important things are to me, even if its something insignificant to them. It takes a lot for me to do stuff, I wish more people understood and didn't take my precious time for granted.

So one morning you arrive at the theme park and get a certain amount of tickets for a go on the rides, lets be generous, you can have 20 tickets. WOW WOW WOW 20 tickets!!
Calm down...

These tickets are my ability to do things.

OK. So I wake up in the morning in bed, usually a little stiff. I have a lovely bed which is perfect for me, so this isn't always too bad when I am at home. If I stay somewhere else, its not as good. I tend not to do as many trips, tours, holidays and so on for this reason. I do my morning email check from my iPhone in bed and my house mate brings me a cup of tea and we have a cigarette together. This saves me a ticket to use later as going up and down two flights of stairs is agony first thing sometimes.

I get out of bed and think what I am going to wear today. There's so much to consider.
Do I have to go out?
How far will I be going?
Is there much walking?
Hows my skin today?
Do I have energy to wash my hair or should I wear a hat or just put it up (which takes a ticket in itself)?

Everything I wear depends on my mood, the jobs I have to do, how my skin is today, if I have to go out, if I have a session on or a shoot. Now most people don't think twice about this and throw something on. Thinking this out makes my brain hurt, especially on a bad 'fog' day. Its hard to remember what I have on. I help myself here with a to do list on my phone, a scheduler and my diary. These are all checked in bed when I do my emails, when I remember.

So getting out of bed takes 1 ticket. I'm not dressed...

19 left and I'm going to use another to get dressed and do my hair and make up. Its a good day so only takes one today. This is an achievement!

18 left...

I sit and turn the computer and turn my work phones on. I cant be disturbed when sleeping or I have less tickets that day.

I'll spend an hour at the PC and do any updates I need to do.

Theres another ticket used up.

17 left and its only 10am, assuming I slept well yesterday, sometimes its 1.30 when I can get up, if at all.

I'll go down to the kitchen and make a snack and a drink, then eat/drink that.

There's another ticket gone.

Now to see if anything has arrived for me in the post and have a chat with my house mates about plans for the day. We try to plan for dinner that evening, but I never know how I will feel and if I will have the energy to cook, let alone eat. Am I going to be able to stomach that, will I just want a tin of soup?? Who knows that before lunch time???

There goes another ticket.

I usually cant stomach much to eat early in the day and will skip a meal if I feel sick as it makes me worse and wastes 2 more tickets.

Back upstairs for more editing of videos, promotion, social networking until 12 ish. Another ticket.

Then I'll usually have a session. Ticket number 14 and its hardly gone lunch time.

One of my house mates will make us something to eat and I have nothing to do but sit and eat. So we'll not take a ticket for this as it is a good day after all. YES! Eating is another achievement. If its a good day it can add a ticket to my day.

13 tickets left and an hours session/work takes one ticket.
On a good day I will have 4 or 5 sessions, on a quiet day I have none and edit.
Doing filming and shoots (which I can edit) also take about a ticket an hour.
Either way I try to aim for 4 hours work, even though I know I need to do more work. Editing, sessions, shoots, any of them are a ticket per hour.

So today lets say I have another session. Bye bye ticket 13...
2 hours editing upstairs and a coffee and snack break will total 3 more tickets.

Its 6pm. Time to do something that will take a ticket but give me a good start tomorrow and reduce the risk of me losing more tickets. I will do some yoga, meditate or listen to a hypnosis CD. I like to mix it a little depending on my mood. If I'm stiff I do yoga, if I'm stressed I meditate, if I am feeling negative the hypnotherapy CD goes on.

6.30 time to cook tea and eat it. Plus clearing up after. Its a good day and everyone helps so its only 2 tickets for that. We have only 6 tickets left. Thankfully I didn't need to go to the supermarket today!

Its 8pm already. What should I do with the rest of my tickets??

Think ahead:
Do I have an early job? More work on?
I know I need to shoot more stuff to edit at some point...
Do I want a shower, do I have the energy?
Do I want to go out and socialize with my friends?

A night at karaoke is 5 tickets. Getting into bed is 1 ticket in itself. Sex is 2 or more (I tend to use any I have left if I am in the right mood and not too much pain) some days I cant bear a hug, let alone anything else. Its not that I push people away, I genuinely cant handle it some days.

Oooh how about a DVD or a board game? Is only one ticket on a good day and of course I can be with people.
Should I add to my blog, that'll cost a ticket.
I could update a site for another ticket.
Read a bit for another.
A shower or bath is 2 tickets. If someone runs the bath its not as bad.

An argument in the day costs me a ticket or two. Stress really doesnt help.
A trip to the coffee shop takes two tickets, even though its really close. I have to put my coat on, pack my bag, I'll go to the bathroom, up and down stairs. So to then go and sit for half an hour and be stood up by a 'friend' totally ruins my day.
If I get upset or dwell on something thats at least another ticket.
Travelling in cars or on trains takes tickets away.
Going to the doctors or specialist takes about 4 tickets with the trip, prodding, talking and everything else - I hate and love doctors...

What else would you do in a normal day??
Play the computer?
Get changed to go out?
Dance while you're out?
Get a bit tipsy?
Spend time with your family?
Put the washing on in the machine?
Go to the shop for milk?
Do the weekly food shop?
Walk the dog?
Do a hobby?
Take a class?
Go out for lunch??

Spend time with your loved ones?????

I wish I had more tickets! And you thought 20 was loads didn't you...

If its a bad day, I start with less tickets.
I need my sleep but have insomnia, which doesnt help, but I deal with it. Being too cold drops my tickets, as does being hot. If I'm nauseous and cant eat they go down, if I'm tired they go down. If my pains high that day they drop more.



Its not that I am avoiding anyone.
I don't like to change my plans last minute.
I dont mean to waste peoples time.

I try and use my tickets wisely because I worry one day I'll have 5 on a good day...