How fast things turn around

I wrote this in two parts, the first part recently, the second tonight. I changed the title to something more fitting.

Well. It's been a while, and I'm feeling ok.
Good actually, rather happy. I'm surprised at that.
And I mean it, I feel I've met someone I can be me with.
I like being me, I can be pretty awesome sometimes.
We'll see how it goes.
It's only a matter of time though until its not enough.
I'm not enough.
Or I'm too much.
This is my life!

The pain's no better, in fact I think its worse, but I'm sucking it up and cracking on.
As usual. What else can I do?
I try my best to function, but sometimes it takes everything I have to just get up and breath.
Moaning isn't going to help in any way.
Being in constant pain, to the point you feel sick all the time sucks.
It takes the energy out of me as it is.
I'm always tired lately, and I always feel like I've had an hour in bed or on the sofa.
I feel like I spend half my life resting or trying to sleep.
I'm not negative, I'm grateful for that one hour!
And I can ALWAYS eat Ice cream.
Ice cream makes everything better!

Sure, I could up my meds more, but I hate feeling dependent on them.
I hate depending on anything.
Nothing ever lasts, and eventually, I'm gonna fuck it up sooner or later.
I'm good at that.

Yes I want some me time, I need to every now and then.
Its like my brain is a box of chains that have been shook up and got tangled and I need to unravel them.
All my feelings, my thoughts, ideas, plans all go to pot.
It comes across that I'm thinking of me.
I don't mean to seem selfish or let you down. Shit happens, life happens, it gets in the way sometimes, but I'm not always like this. When I'm good I am amazing!

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I didn't post this because I think tempting fate can be a bad thing, but it turns out that I already knew what would happen.
Same as it always is.
Wooops, I broke it.
Shit happens.

I remember why I prefer doing it all alone, as lonely as it is, as good as it would have been.
If you aren't careful you can open yourself up to a lot of potential hurt.
It's better to quit when you're ahead.
The last thing I need is more pain.

Funny how your outlook can completely turn around in 24 hours.
Life happens.

How can it hurt so much.
I don't understand it.
I don't know how to make it stop.
Only you can do that.

My heart feels like it is in a vice.
Theres a lump in my throat.
Its stopping me from breathing.
Sometimes I wish it would.

My eyes tear.
My body shudders like I am freezing.
My fingers play with my hair to keep themselves occupied.
Yet I am addicted to you.
These are my withdrawal symptoms.
I crave you.
I need you.
I cry for you.

No one sees those tears, or hears my sobs.
I make sure of that.
Imagine that of one so strong.
One so vulnerable.
The vultures will descend soon.
I cant keep hiding this in me.
Its going to explode.
Explode or kill me.

And you could stop all this.
So so easily.
Yet you choose not to.
And still I suffer.
I doubt you see it.
I'm good at hiding things inside.
If you saw, I think you'd cry too.

Cheer up, you say.
I wish I could.
If only it was so easy.
You could fix it.
Make me happy.
Find the old me everyone loved.
And yet, you won't.

How can I feel like this.
How can it hurt so much...

Give me pain

"Make me cry"

The whisper came, barely audible.

"Make me cry, I need to feel something.
Something I know is real.
I need that release.
The endorphin's to rush through me.

The tears make me real.
The sobs cut into me.
Bittersweet agony.
I want it.

I want to be punished.
I'm too tired to do it myself.
I want to feel pain.
Pain above the pain I am already in.

Its like I am suffocating and I can't catch my breath.
I need to hear my heart beat faster, then I know it still works.
My breath to be rapid, so I am thankful for every one.
My head to go cloudy then I can finally think clearly.

I'm begging.
Just give me pain so I can move on...

I may not be normal, not exactly your typical woman.
However, I still long for someone to make me whole.
Make me strive to be a better person than I am when its just 'me'

One to think of when I feel alone.
One that thinks of me in the early hours.
Someone to hold my hand and keep my secrets.
Thats longs for and loves me as much as I do them.

My job isn't 'normal'
My lifestyle is crazy
I am wild
I speak my mind.
I say it how it is.
Im passionate and intense and full on.
Usually the loudest person in the room.
I draw attention to myself, I like it.
Im an entertainer, a performer.

I'm not the woman you take home to meet your family.
I think I get it finally...

I'm still me though.

Remember her?

Remember her?
The girl who always had a smile for everyone?
She would make time if she didn't have it.
She was always there for you.
She used to sing her heart out with joy.
In the shower, in the bar, in the street.
She wanted to dance under the stars and spin and spin until she went dizzy and fell down.
Her eyes used to twinkle with mischief.
Inhale deeply and hold her breath when she got excited, until she nearly feinted.
She loved, and was loved.
The world could be ending, her life could be ending, and still she would be smiling and dancing like there wasn't a care in the world.
Life is a series of moments.
She lived for those moments.
For smiling.
For loving.
For singing and dancing.
For making people happy.
For making you happy.

She's broken now.
Too tired to dance.
The only time she signs is when the songs express how much she is hurting.
She doesn't smile much anymore, smiles mean she is happy.
She isn't.
Oh it may seem like it, shes good at pretending.
She get up and puts on her happy face for the world.
Wears heels to make herself feel taller, when really she feels so small.
She still loves.
Still cares.
Will always make time for you and be here for you.
She just wants someone to take her hand and make everything better.

She's too tired to keep on pretending.
With her fake smile and her happy face.
She wants to sing again and have that twinkle in her eye again.
And right now, she isn't strong enough to make that happen for herself.

Do you remember the girl who used to dance under the stars?

Special

I love driving at night
Well, sitting in the passenger seat while you drive.
When its quiet I look out.
The silence is never uncomfortable.

There's so much you don't see if you're not out driving down country lanes at 3am, 4am, 5am.
The moon is so beautiful when you get away from the town.
The early sunrise makes it glow even brighter, like its clinging on, fighting to stay and be seen.
Those who don't see this are missing out. It's breathtaking.
Even better to share with someone special.

You know someones special when all the time you share is filled with smiles, laughter and love.
Never a word in anger or a negative way.

Heading back to town, getting closer to home, reality crashes down around me.
I feel like that moon.
Its only a few hours until I should be up.
But I don't want to lie down.
I'm in bed alone.

I know the sun will be dazzling my eyes soon.
I'll think back to us driving. It will make me smile a little.

I stretch and hide my face in the pillow. I don't recall falling asleep.
I don't want to turn or look.
I want to pretend my dreams were real and you're mine a little longer.

I want to be yours, not a secret or something you're ashamed of.
We both know thats not true, but its how I feel.
We want the same things.
We make each other so happy don't we?

So I wake alone again.
I scrunch my eyes and check its real.
It is.
For now.
I hope its not this this for much longer.

Scribbles and things

I've been doing lots of writing lately.
I forgot how much I enjoy it.
How therapeutic it is to get things out and off your chest.


It's not just physical pain we have to live with.


So lots of my writings, old and new are going up. I think I write better when I am emotional. I may ramble and waffle and not make sense, but it helps me. Those in my thoughts when I am writing may never see my posts, but I'm not doing it for someone else and I am not doing it because I want attention or sympathy.

I do it because it helps me.
Rather selfish...